breaking freeee~

I just had the misfortune of catching High School Musical on Disney. Good lord. I’m not even italicizing “High School Musical,” as is proper in such a sophisticated piece of writing as this measly blog entry, because it feels awkward after the fact that those three words have become so familiar nowadays.

I had never seen the movie before, of course, being out of touch with planet Earth as I am, nor had I any intention of ever seeing it thanks to the endless raving of annoying tone-deaf grade school kids it’s always just my luck to run into, but my aimless channel-surfing conveniently brought me to Disney Channel just as the movie was about to start and I couldn’t help myself. Apparently I have way too much time on my hands; I blame this stupid long weekend.

Before anything else, I proudly announce my awesomeness at having managed to sit through the entire thing, albeit at the expense of several IQ points. Admittedly I was cringing in my seat the whole time -- mostly out of the movie’s cheesiness, and partly out of fear that some sensible member of my household would see me in front of the TV and laugh, thus causing immense psychological trauma and irreversible damage to my ego.
But on to the movie. I don't think it necessary to go on a lengthy point-by-point discussion of why it sucked so much in my book (the mere combination of the words "high" and "school" should be clue enough), so instead I enumerate a few things missing from the movie that could have improved it:

1. Believable characters. Take the captain of the school basketball team who can sing, and worse, SIGHT READ. Did anyone even notice that? He was singing a song he had never heard before, straight from the sheet music with whatshername back there. In tune. WHO BELIEVES THIS GARBAGE!

So let’s say I’m being a bit overreactive here, but even if there are, like, freaks of nature who breathe and live basketball all their lives and are musically intelligent at the same time, what’s he doing in a completely ordinary, everyday high school? Aren’t there, like, institutions for these people? Geez.

If that doesn’t convince you, let’s take the female lead, the newbie nerd girl, who was admittedly cute throughout the first half of the film, but just plain confusing throughout the second when she’s still frozen with that same smile even after several important plot points (remind me what they are again); but that’s besides the point. If she’s so goddamn smart, what does she want with a stupid jock, and worse, why does she keep chasing him, despite the valuable warnings of her genius friends who obviously know better than her and carry on the legacy of the greatest intellectual minds to have graced the planet?

But nooo, nerds and jocks and whatever other subcultures involved all come together in the end in a remarkable show of unity, after some idiotic plot twist I can’t even remember, effectively eliminating all social disparities and stereotypes in society as children all over the world are enlightened and learn to love one another. BAH!

2. Songs that aren’t stupid. I swear to God. Man did not spend the last million years or so trying to reach the top of the evolutionary heap just to spew out atrocities like “Get’cha Head in the Game.” Get your head in a blast furnace!

3. A graphic decapitation of whoever thought up the Pop-Up thing. I understand what I had seen was actually a “special edition” of the movie wherein random unimportant bits of information about the movie pop up on screen every two seconds (literally, EVERY TWO FUCKING SECONDS), complete with annoying pop-up sounds, making for a totally unforgettable experience and I don’t even mean that in a good way.

I mean, honestly. What kind of sick bastard thinks up these things? No stupid grade-schooler cares about understanding peer pressure no matter how much of a simplistic definition of it you flash in his face, and I certainly do not need to know when and where the actor playing basketball-star-singer-in-one guy was born, thank you very much. Enjoy your pop-ups IN HELL!

4. Ninjas. No further explanation necessary.